She said because the first time we met I fell in love with you and I knew that I'd be yours. Now you're mine.
...I never really asked for anything.
...we all live with heavy emotions, but it seems there is one thing that will linger on my shoulders.
I remember the times, I remember the places, I remember the tears and I know she did, too.
What could have been troubling her that even I couldn't recognize the signs?
Every year, I am reminded of that day as it eats me alive.
I remember her text messages apologizing and the face-2-face with her screaming sessions saying that I want be with u! Only u! I want share my life with u! I want to share my bed with u! Only u! I want to love u! Only u!!!
We were in love, and sometimes with love comes pain and with the pain comes a temporary separation.
She didn't understand that but she started to learn it.
...she had to concentrate on her career as well as me.
She was young, and we were in love. I understand that there were certain distractions, but she knew that I'd be there in a heartbeat if she ever felt lost or confused.
I remember the way Renée used to jump in my arms only wishing that we could have a normal life with Isabelle and the boys, away from everybody...
Was it time to go public? I didn't think the timing was right. I am certain that would have caused problems on many levels.
I never stopped loving her but somehow she was just too confused at times, not about us, but more about herself, personal issues and motherhood. I knew she wanted out and so did I as we planned to just leave, disappear completely from it all.
I would have ended everything for her and that's what I wanted to tell her on that day. I wonder where we would have been because I didn't care where just as long as we were together.
That's all she wanted and that's all I wanted, too. I remember the way she would push me up against the wall. She liked that, and so did I. Those were special times because we would kiss softly and talk for hours in each other's arms.
She would hold on to me for dear life and I'd make sure that she'd never fall. She was that protective love for me: she would pull me in close, I would hold her hand, so soft, so warm and our tears, so real and I would do anything to protect her. I would even die for her.
I remember the time I surprised her in LA. God I hate LA. I can't believe that people actually live in that fuckin' shit hole, and if there's anyone from LA who I offended. FUCK OFF!
I hated that she had to travel back and forth let alone Europe, Paris and Germany. But, I dropped everything and the times we needed US, we were always there for each other.
She texted me. 'Baby where are you? I need you. I can't be alone anymore. Take me away from this place. Please ♥'
That's it. I'm cocked and loaded. I call Mikey and tell him. 'R-NY********LA. He says, 'I'm on it,' as I grabbed my smokes, cash, a Red Bull and hailed a cab to the airport and sid, 'Voila !'
I'm going to take her back to New York with me. I guess I already made my decision because I was going to get my girl. I just wish she was in New York, but surprising her is something she'll never expect after a few months of separation...
It would be a nice pause in our hectic lives. I remember arriving at her hotel in LA and I called her just to say hallo.
She's starts crying and says, 'I wish you were here in my arms. I can't stand this anymore. I can't stand not being in your arms. I can't stand waking up alone in the morning as she continues to cry and whisper, 'Je t'aime, Baby.'
'I feel like pancakes and tea. What about you?' 'What KC?' 'I love your T-shirt - I love Paris, too!!' 'KC, are you here, where are you?'
I told her to look down towards the street, she saw me and put her hand on the window. She said, 'I love you, I love you. I'm coming down,' she said, 'Wait. No' ah fuck it. =)
For a split second what about being discreet...
She didn't care anymore and she wanted to tell the world about us. I made my way into the hotel, passed the crowds and headed towards the elevators.
I see her coming out and she jumped into my arms, 'Baby, I've missed you, I love you,' and she kissed me slowly. We just didn't care anymore and there was no way I was going to ruin this moment for her.
She needed this just as much as I did. We kissed a kiss that felt like a lifetime. We'd finally been out in public. She was crying so hard in my arms and I'll never forget the way she looked at me.
'Baby, I want to take you out to a restaurant. Pancakes, Baby?' I told her, 'I'd like that.' It was at that time I started to believe in our love. We went through so much to hide our relationship and I knew what the next step was. That's right, I was bringing my girl back to New York to our place.
I remember every time we'd sneak off it felt like being together for the first time. Do you guys know what I'm feeling? If not, I'll briefly explain,mher hands were always warm and soft, her lips were always pink and moist, when our chests would touch we felt our heartbeats and when the tears ran slowly down her cheek, mine would too.
...I'm starting to feel this emptiness inside of me again as I pause from typing my thoughts...
If I had just stayed on the cell phone with her while she was pouring her heart out to me, would she still be here? It was my own fault. Why didn't I just listen to her as she screamed on the phone 'Please take me back,' and all I could say was 'We'll talk later tonight.' 'I can't live without you, KC! Please~~~'
I keep telling myself why? Why? Why?
Till this very moment, I'll never forget this and when I walk in Paris or New York every single night, I can feel that warm breeze as it makes its way up my neck. I know it's her. I can still feel her, I can feel her protecting me, I can smell her...
I remember she'd say don't be silent, KC, I'm asking you don't be silent. My soul is missing you and I can't breathe without you, I think about you every second, I love you and I know you love me too.
She was always worried about me and made it very clear that she wouldn't know what she would do if something ever happened to me or if I left her.
She was so passionate and emotional about us, and so was I and she knew that I knew that. At times, I could see her really losing it and I wasn't sure who she was. I just thought it was the normal pressures of the work, but not being able to conceive a child...
But I was wrong. I remember sometimes I would say hey, and she'd just looked at me like a stranger then snap out of it. I mean we all do that from time-2-time, day dream or just wish we were somewhere else, right?
I remember her telling me I love you so much it hurts and I have no other words to describe the way you make me feel. I love you and I want to be your one and only till death do us part!
I did love her love and who knows what would have been??? To think maybe if we had gone public with our relationship things might have been normal for us. We'd still have the hectic schedules and crazy lifestyles, but we'd have each other. At least we wouldn't have to hide the fact that we were together. The funny thing is I saw her grow up, and we were always friends. But, even when she was just starting out she told me that she remembered those special times though there was nothing going on between us, but she always goes back to that first kiss.
She told me one night that I fell in love with you the very first time we met. She said the way you'd put your body in front of me to protect me from harm's way, and our love through the years as we started getting closer and that one night, downtown at our usual spot, she was sitting outside having a smoke. I told her you shouldn't smoke those things will kill ya!
Then I lit my own cigarette and she said hey, that's not fair. As I inhaled, she reached in, sat on my lap, kissed me, sucked the smoke out of my mouth and blew rings. Now, you're mine KC!
That was so sexy!! She said, KC I want to take you out tonight to a restaurant. I was like me? Why? She took my hand and squeezed it. She said because the first time we met I fell in love with you and I knew that I'd be yours. Now you're mine.
I said Baby... Before I could finish my sentence her lips were on mine and we just fell in love. Deep down inside we knew we'd eventually be together.
I will always remember that day. It felt like the first time I had really fallen in love and I'll remember that time, date and place till the day I die. I remember getting up and she asked me what do you want to eat? I said how about pancakes? Her eyes lit up and she jumped on my back as I carried her for about six blocks to this diner we used to go to...
We talked for about ten hours that night through the morning and even though I knew everything about her it was obvious that we were in love. I miss that about her. I miss that about us, just being in love no matter where we were, because we'd always text, email, cammy or call one another. The innocence of Love. God, I hate you for doing this to her.
I always thought in such a short time that our love was the rarest of Loves. Pure, unconditional but hurtfully removed like a stitch in time as I find myself chasing ghosts. Sometimes I wonder if we had just quit our jobs and just run away with one another, would she still be here?
So, I end this with something she said to me that I take to heart: That warm early spring day, she rolled over and laid on top of me and said KC pinky swear. She said, 'Life is too short, you have to break the rules from time-2-time, always forgive quickly, kiss your love slowly, love your love, one truly, and we'll laugh this off one day. Most important, never regret anything that makes you smile.'
And as far as my thoughts about Renée: Moi Je - Fais Rien mais je pense toi, *R ♥
...it is Juliet, she is my Juliet, Renée who whispers love in the night, who speaks only with her eyes and the soft touch of her hand. A gentle tear drop that's frozen in time, a love beside her heart, for time does not exist, while OUR love will never end *R ♥
Isabelle is sitting in my lap as we look into one another's eye. Slowly my hand makes its way to the keyboard as I'm about to delete OUR story. She takes my hand and whispers, 'Non Mon Amour, non non...'
She's right and I would like to end it on this note: Here's a little advice. Live life like there's no tomorrow! As I take risks that you'll never understand, as I patiently wait for that day, Je ne partirai pas sans toi Mon Amour, the day I take my last breath, as her warm hand reaches into my heart and brings me back to life on that beach. I'm waiting, Renée *R ♥
Chasin' her pretty thoughts...